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Today is Saturday - a.k.a. cleaning day. Well, “cleaning” has become a relative term around here. It usually just involves trying to find the carpet in one or more bedrooms and seeing if there is still a sink somewhere in the kitchen. Although, it should be obvious because something is holding all those dishes! It also involves numerous loads of laundry which my dh (dear husband) has tirelessly done. I couldn’t tell you the last time I’ve actually washed a load of clothes. He washes, dries, and folds and I then put away. Pretty good system if you ask me.

I remember that when I was growing up we always dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathrooms and mopped on Saturdays. We (my sister and I) never really enjoyed spending our Saturdays in this way. It’s much the same here. There is usually much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth when I announce, OK, we are going to get our rooms cleaned up.

However, I have to say that today was a bit of a surprise. After the initial moaning and groaning, they began getting to work. And, then, not only did they get their rooms straightened up, they came BACK and asked what else they could do. McGrooter begged and begged to wash the dishes. So, being the ever indulgent mother that I am, I let him. He stood there saying, Wow this cool! Can I do this after every meal? Of course, I had to play it cool and just say, Well, we’ll see.

I have to admit that this has happened before and it kind of gives me the feeling of being in the twilight zone or something. But, it’s nice. I sure hope it continues when they get older. Stop laughing! Maybe it will. Don’t take away my hope!

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 17th, 2008 | No Comments »

Ok, so not an overwhelming response to the questions I left on the blog. But I guess I can understand. Apparently, it was abrupt and maybe, just maybe, a little strange considering what this blog usually contains. I have it on good authority that it took some by surprise and they actually thought I had gone off the deep end. Well, I probably have and I’ll blame it on chemo brain, the end of the school year, three kids, a messy house - you know, nothing major.

The day I first posted the questions I had gotten a whim to do something wild. Ok, not really wild, but something not practical and, for me, that’s wild. There’s a feeling you get once you’ve had cancer that almost empowers you to do the things you said you wanted to do, but never did. Because now you know that one day it really will be too late. The reality of that just smacks you up side the face. So, I thought, it’s now or never, baby. And instead of just thinking about it, I decided to act upon it.

Then, as usual, I got side-tracked and haven’t done anything else with it. I still might though. I haven’t lost that wild hair yet. It’s just something silly and stupid, so I don’t want to advertise what it is in case that wild hair gets plucked right out of reality. Anyway, it is not a job application. I don’t want to work. No, seriously, I already have a really good job. And, I don’t want to work. It’s an application to be a part of something fun, exciting, and intense. It’s a long shot that I would even make it, but at least I could say I tried. If I ever get back around to filling out the application.

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 16th, 2008 | No Comments »

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately, so I’ve lost some traffic. I get tired of checking blogs myself when there is nothing new on there. I am hoping to get much better at keeping up with the blog. I’ve read a blog lately that has had me really laughing. Check out www.thepioneerwoman.com. She has some incredible photography and some recipes I can’t wait to try when I get some energy and time back this summer.

So…I really need some help with the questions I had on my previous post. What are my best and worst qualities according to my friends? I’m filling out an application and those are two questions I have to answer. Can you help me?

Thanks!

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 7th, 2008 | 2 Comments »

PLEASE!

I need to know what my friends would consider my BEST and WORST qualities. If you are still keeping up with this blog, please leave me a comment listing my best and worst qualities. Come on! I can take it! I’ll explain later.

I have lots more things I would like to blog about, but just haven’t found the time or motivation to write yet. I feel guilty blogging when I should be doing 10,000 other things. So, I just sit down and read other people’s blogs. That way no one knows that I’m not doing the 10,000 other things I should be doing! Reading blogs is now my favorite past time and eater of my “free” or not so free time. Might be yours too if you are still here. So, please leave a comment and then go do something!

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Filed under: Uncategorized on May 5th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

(I am documenting a couple of conversations so that my chemo brain can remember them.)

I love conversations that the kids have while riding in the van. Well, I love the conversations that don’t end with me yelling, “OK ENOUGH! NO MORE TALKING UNTIL WE GET HOME!”

Last week on the way home from picking up Munchkin from my parents’ house, I was privy to a conversation concerning “secret hiding” places on my grandfather’s property. McGrooter said that he and his cousin had a secret hiding place and he couldn’t tell the girls where it was AND no girls were allowed to come to it. So Aggie proceeds to describe how she and Munchkin will have their own secret hiding place and make it a clubhouse. Aggie says, “Well, we are going to have a clubhouse and put a sign on it that says “No boys allowed.” To which Munchkin responds, “But we don’t know how to spell “No boys allowed.” (I thought this was really funny and a very interesting concern.) Aggie just said, “We’ll just ask Mom.” I thought to myself, “Thank you Lord that I’m still around to spell “No boys allowed.”

By the time we got home, Aggie had described quite a bit about their little clubhouse which was beginning to sound more like a small resort than what might be traditionally termed a clubhouse. She said they were going to pack clothes, pj’s and everything and begin building their place. I told her that usually when you go camping or anything like that you don’t need a lot of clothes and you sleep in the clothes that you wear. I got quite the quizzical look! Aggie’s not really one for getting dirty or roughing it. The girls had also decided that they were going to bring mattresses on which to sleep. Guess camping will not be a favored family activity!

Wednesday we had a half day at school because the big Tour de Georgia bike race was coming through town. McGrooter had stayed home due to some seriously swollen eyes probably due to allergies. So it was just Aggie and me. We got in the van to go home and had the following conversation:

Aggie: Mom, I made a diarrhea today.

Me: A what?

Aggie: A diarrhea.

Me: You made a diarrhea today? What do you mean?

Aggie: You know a diarrhea (she is saying all this with complete hand motions and everything) like you write in.

Me: You mean a diary?

Aggie: Oh yeah, a diary.

So she pulls out this piece of paper that she has written on and has folded it up and glued it shut. When we got home I told Seth about the conversation and he got a big kick out of it. He said, “Wouldn’t you know the kid whose mom has had colon cancer would call it “a diarrhea!”

Today in the van we are riding along and Munchkin begins to sing some songs. She sang one (which I don’t even remember now) and then began to sing through the books of the New Testament. You’ve probably never heard this version…

Munchkin: “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts and the Letter to the Robots…”

She went on to finish, but I could not help laughing out loud. Seth said she had been singing the song this way and he just couldn’t correct her because it was too cute. Of course, we don’t have to correct her, because her two older siblings jumped on that right away. I hope we can video this version before she learns the correction!

Filed under: Uncategorized on April 26th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

Update on Relay for Life - so far we’ve had dress down days and hat days at school as well as selling the paper feet for a grade level competition and we’ve raised over $2,000. I have my own personal goal of $500 and have gotten to $375 due to the generous donations of family and friends!!! I am really excited about Relay this year and helping the American Cancer Society. I am going to get more involved as I can.

Also, my family and I have been taking Juice Plus and really like the results we’ve seen. I didn’t take it before I was diagnosed with cancer, so don’t look at my situation and say, “Well, it didn’t do her any good!”

Juice Plus is a dietary supplement made of whole foods - good for you fruits and vegetables. Check it out! None of us get enough fruits and vegetables and generally the food we eat is pretty void of nutrition. You can read all about it on my website and if you are interested, you can order online or contact me for more information. Compared to other supplements, the cost is very reasonable. My children love it and even ask for it every day! I also know some personal testimonials of it lowering cholesterol levels. Just look over the website and see what you think!

Filed under: Uncategorized on March 30th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

Well, for now anyway. I don’t have the time or energy tonight to go into detail, but did want to say that I am finished with chemo. I go back in four weeks to schedule a follow up colonoscopy, abdomen scans, and some genetic counseling. Dr. Kallab wants me to have some genetic counseling done to determine if I had some predisposition for this cancer. If so, it can impact my children’s future.

So, for now, I am trying to regain my strength. I am frustrated that I am still so weak and tired, but the cumulative effects of chemo just take a while to get over. I am looking forward to Spring Break. We are going to get away to the beach, courtesy of a friend of Seth’s, and it will be nice to relax and focus my attention on my husband and kids.

But right now I have to get back to reality…school clothes, lunches, etc for tomorrow. Hope all of you are well - all of you one or two who are still reading!

Filed under: Uncategorized on March 30th, 2008 | 4 Comments »

I wrote this post SEVERAL weeks ago! I never finished it (as with many things in my life lately.) So, I’m posting it as is for now. 

Yesterday I received my next to last chemo treatment. Yes, that means only ONE more! I’m still having trouble really grasping that this ordeal is almost over. I feel overwhelming excitement; yet, I also feel apprehensive and guilty. Yes, guilty. You know how when two people are in a car wreck and one lives and the other doesn’t, the person who lives often has survivor guilt. Well, I feel a bit that way. I go to chemo and look around and see people who aren’t doing as well as I am. People whose cancer is far more advanced than mine. People who are taking chemo not preventively, but just to see if they can prolong the inevitable. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty being excited and ready to get on with the rest of my life.

I mentioned this to one of the chemo nurses, Anita, yesterday as she was accessing my port. She had the most profound thing to say. She said, “Now Leslie, you are thinking about this all wrong. You’ve got to be the voice for those who can’t be it for themselves.” A renewed sense of purpose washed over me. I told her she was so right! It made me even more intent on raising money for Relay for Life this year. This is the all night walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. It is a huge event that is more like a carnival than just a walk-a-thon. I spoke to our faculty last Tuesday - just a week and a day ago. I made it through most of the presentation, but blubbered through the rest. I have not cried about my cancer since I was first diagnosed. I’ve cried due to pain from treatment, but not really over my situation. I’ve found my tears again. So, the waterworks flowed, but the faculty was gracious. I went over our different ways that we will be raising funds this year. So far we have had an overwhelming response! As of yesterday, we have raised $1266! I was thrilled! And we still have two months to go. I feel it is up to me to help us not lose momentum. This will be one way I can have a voice for those who can’t do it themselves.

I worry sometimes that I might waste my cancer. I don’t want to waste my cancer. If you haven’t read this article by John Piper, then take a minute to read over it. I also shared with Anita that I have been thinking about what a profound difference this experience has made in my life and in my thinking. I fear sometimes that as soon as I get back to “normal” (whatever that is!), I might slip back into routine life. You know, where you get so caught up in your own life that you don’t notice the needs of others or even have time to meet those needs. Now granted, there are times when the needs of our families do take priority. Plus, there are things I want my children to have the opportunities to do. But, will I so fill our lives with things to do that we don’t have time to reach out to others or stop to invest in other’s lives? If so, then I’ve wasted my cancer. I have been so ministered to during this time that I feel it is my turn to get the opportunity to minister to others. Not for the sake of just meeting physical needs, but for the sake of the gospel. If I only minister to meet needs and the gospel is not at the center of my actions, then it will be a waste.

Filed under: Uncategorized on March 30th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

I have been asked several times (ok…just by family!) when I was going to put something on my blog again. I started something long ago and never finished (the story of my life). So, I finally just posted what I had written. Tonight I will try to write a little more, but words do not come easily anymore. They’ve somewhat gone from flowing like water to bearing the resemblance of molasses. I’ve had a range of emotions that I feel hesitant to share and with chemo brain, I just can’t think of how to actually say things.

Chemo brain is a real thing, by the way. I had one person who didn’t believe me until I explained that not only had I read about it, but the chemo nurses joke about it all the time. Chemo makes you very forgetful. I often cannot recall people’s names or cannot think of the word I’m trying to say. Or sometimes, wrong words will just come out or I’ll stutter or stammer some trying to have a conversation. One time I handed one of my children some clothes and said, “Go put this in your mirror.” It was quite comical for some time, but now on occasion it frightens me that I will not ever get those cherished brain cells back.

In addition to chemo brain, I continue to deal with the neuropathy in my hands and now my feet. I have “gastrointestinal disturbances” as the nurse practioner put it, plus the usual fatigue. Sometimes I break out with sores (not big ones) on my shoulders and back. They don’t do much but itch a little, so I’m thankful for that. I have other aches and pains associated with the chemo. Generally, things get better during my “off” week and I go back to work and attempt to carry on as normal as possible. However, I just don’t have the energy to do everything I really need to do. It usually works out that I spend the week of treatment in bed and the next week trying to catch up from treatment week. During the week that I go back to work, that is about all I can do. Sometimes I’m able to run an errand or two, but not with the kids. That requires too much effort!

I only have 3 more treatments left. The doctor reduced my overall treatment by one so that I could still hopefully finish by Spring Break. I have been a chemo reject twice with my counts being too low to receive treatment. After this last treatment, I got a shot to hopefully boost my white blood cell count. He said that the effects of all the radiation and chemo are making it harder for my body to recover each time. I am looking forward to all of this being over, but yet have a weird feeling about it too. I’ve read about this experience from other people, but now am feeling it for myself. As long as you are receiving treatment, you feel like you are combatting the cancer in some way. You are actually doing something. But then, when you finish you feel like you are just waiting for the cancer to show back up. I even hesitate to call myself a survivor just yet. It’s almost scary to say survivor in reference to myself. I do not live in fear and it doesn’t worry me so much that I can’t function, but it is always in the back of my mind like once this is over, I’ll just be waiting for the next bomb to drop on us.

But through it all, the Lord has been so faithful. He has shown us His love for us in many, many ways. I am often overwhelmed by the cards and gifts we’ve received and then am equally overwhelmed with guilt for not sending thank you notes or acknowledging all these expressions of love. I do not take them lightly at all. I’ve just gotten so far behind I don’t even know where to start. Plus, on my treatment weeks, I don’t do much at all and then on my non-treatment weeks, I go back to work. I feel like I’m just making excuses. I wish I had stayed on top of things, but I didn’t.

Well, enough for now. This doesn’t even scratch the surface, but it will have to do. I’m really tired and the week starts tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get back in the blogging world more regularly…we’ll see.

Filed under: Uncategorized on February 10th, 2008 | 3 Comments »

I wrote this post about a month ago and thought I’d get back to finish it. I never did so I’ll post as is. As for blogging more, maybe I will in the next day or two. I’ve had a couple of people ask, but I’m not even sure anyone reads this anymore since it’s been so long. 

Ever had such moments that made you smile and feel like you just wanted to hit the pause button and make the moment last a bit longer? I’ve often wished that we could just freeze some frames of our lives and fast forward through others. Yesterday there was a brief freeze frame moment. The girls were in their room and all of a sudden I hear (and see since I was in the bed all day and our room is across from theirs) Aggie say, “THANK YOOOOOU! Thank you for picking that up!” To which Munchkin responds, “You’re welcome!” It was a brief moment. But, in that brief moment, both girls were kind to one another and happy. It made me want to freeze that frame for a little longer because I couldn’t help thinking about years down the road. Will they still be such good friends? Will they realize this is the only sister they will ever have? Their personalities are such opposites that I think they will (and do) have their continued struggles. Things usually move along beautifully until Munchkin either gets tired of or realizes that she doesn’t have to take orders from Aggie and states confidently, “You are not the parent!” or “You are not the boss of me!” But, alas, for that one brief moment, it was special to their mother.

There are many other moments I would like to have the opportunity to rewind and freeze those frames also. Childhood memories flood my mind or carefree single days or a wonderful wedding day or yes, even the birth of my children. I would go through that pain again. The end result is so amazing that I would do it again. Which reminds me of another conversation with the children. I’ll digress for a moment. In the van the other day, Aggie says, “We need to have another baby!” All children agree. She says, “We need to have a girl.” Of course, McGrooter strongly disagrees and makes the observation that the girls already outnumber the boys, so therefore we should have another boy. Then, of course, an argument begins to brew to which Aggie replies, “It was my idea to have another baby so I get to decide and we are having a girl!” I finally had to interrupt and set a few things straight. The fact of the matter is that door has been closed from several angles.

Filed under: Uncategorized on February 6th, 2008 | 4 Comments »